4:00

percent on a meet-up day sounds

4:02

perfectly legitimate. As

4:05

always, a section of the bugle

4:08

is going straight in the bin. This week

4:10

we have life hacks from the animal world.

4:13

We like to think of ourselves as the most

4:15

successful species on the planet, but are we really

4:17

living life the most efficient way? We

4:19

look in our section of the bin this week at potential

4:21

life hacks in the animal world that might help us humans,

4:24

including don't sleep in six to

4:26

eight hour chunks every day, save

4:29

it for one three or four month hibernation

4:31

every year, then work hard, play harder for

4:33

the remaining eight or nine months. And

4:36

also never forget, never remember. The

4:39

life of a goldfish is

4:41

generally one that is unencumbered

4:44

by historical fury, personal resentment,

4:47

or the kind of things that hold us back as

4:49

a species. So essentially those,

4:52

I think those are two things that would definitely

4:55

make us function better as a species. Any

4:57

other suggestions that things in the

4:59

animal world that you think would help us help us

5:01

out on a personal level? Storing nuts. Right.

5:04

Like squirrels do. Just maybe keeping bits

5:06

of food that you might have later

5:08

just in the pouches of your

5:11

cheek, like a little

5:13

food snooze. That

5:17

could work. I was just reading

5:19

octopuses, octopi, they hunt with fish

5:21

and fish are like the henchmen.

5:24

They go in there and

5:26

sort of dig out stuff and then the prey

5:28

come out and then the octopuses. I quite like

5:30

some henchmen. You know, like when I step out,

5:32

just having a group of people, just

5:35

having the initial conversations and then I go and

5:37

have a conversation. Well, maybe, and would they, you

5:39

know, a fish or an octopus could do that?

5:42

I mean, particularly in modern soon season and

5:44

it would be quite an effective way of

5:46

doing things. I have an affinity with the

5:48

turkey vulture because it vomits as

5:51

a form of self-defense. I

5:53

am prone to a bit of that. Right. I

5:55

think we could encompass that more into

5:57

our dailies. You

20:00

know, like I feel like other players need

20:02

to step up now. Yes. Well,

20:04

it does. It does seem that whatever we're doing

20:06

at the moment isn't really isn't really working. And

20:08

I mean, it's possible even rather than having countries,

20:10

you should just get randomly

20:13

selected people or even sports

20:15

teams from around the world

20:17

should be someone to write, OK, this week

20:19

you are going to sort out the

20:22

Middle East, the Middle East crisis,

20:24

the Jacksonville Jaguars. You're going

20:26

to take a week off your troubled start, the NFL

20:28

season, and you're just going to go out. You're

20:31

going to sort the Middle East, the Middle East. I

20:33

think I mean, that kind of Paris Saint-Germain could

20:35

just go. And instead of

20:37

playing playing overplayed football, they could just

20:39

I don't know. I mean, I haven't thought through

20:42

the logistics. I think Man City send them in

20:44

to sort out the Ukraine. It's about time we

20:46

started using sports washing for the

20:50

purposes of goods and human progress. I

20:52

mean, for example, like you said, if the Saudis are

20:54

going to own the second moon, there's definitely going to

20:56

be a golf tournament on there. I

20:59

mean, UK

21:05

news now and well,

21:07

news has broken. And when I say news

21:09

has broken, news has been created that

21:12

Boris Johnson, who created this piece of news, considered

21:16

invading the Netherlands. If

21:18

I may overstate things in a manner befitting

21:20

a story about Boris Johnson making up some

21:22

news in a new memoir

21:24

entitled Unleashed, Boris Johnson has claimed that

21:26

he considered a raid

21:30

by sea on a Dutch warehouse

21:32

to seize COVID vaccines during

21:35

the pandemic. Obviously, it's a

21:37

fun story, particularly for those people who like to look

21:39

back fondly on the time when we had a certifiable

21:41

fucking clown as prime minister. And

21:44

obviously, this is Boris Johnson.

21:47

He might have said that he was thinking of invading the

21:49

Netherlands, but we know he would not have invaded the Netherlands

21:51

because it would have been difficult.

21:53

And that wasn't really his M.O. But anyway, the

21:55

deputy chief of the defense staff, Lieutenant General General

21:58

Chalmers, pointed out that was

22:00

only one potential problem with the plan which

22:02

would have involved apparently rigid inflatable boat boats

22:04

scuttling down dutch canals at the dead of

22:07

night to seize vaccines from a warehouse had

22:09

it happened which obviously could never have happened

22:12

uh the only problem was that the uk would

22:14

have had to explain why

22:16

we were effectively invading

22:18

a long-standing nato ally

22:20

um therefore therefore

22:24

this this otherwise apparently

22:26

flawless plan to

22:28

steal vaccines from a dutch warehouse

22:31

using inflatable dinghies but

22:33

that obviously just couldn't go ahead i mean uh

22:37

tiff i know you've been waiting for boris

22:39

johnson's memoir to be published as you know

22:41

the the book that you've been waiting for

22:43

all your life really um what did you

22:45

make of this story calling it unleashed sounds

22:47

like it's gonna have a tie-in fragrance which

22:49

would probably be a fart if it was

22:51

boris johnson i i feel like

22:53

and also that suggests at some point in

22:55

time boris was actually leashed like

22:58

trained for orkies and punished for hiding

23:00

in fridges um boris

23:03

uh boris said we considered aquatic

23:05

raid that's what was described as

23:07

aquatic already it's got into bond

23:09

territory immediately aquatic raid

23:11

on netherlands to seize covid

23:13

vaccine and i just sort of

23:16

thought about this i was like of course because

23:18

any chance bozzer can have to make himself wish.com

23:20

churchill he will take it so

23:22

when uh lieutenant general doug charmers told

23:24

the prime minister it was possible the

23:27

plan was certainly feasible and would involve

23:29

using rigid inflatable boats you know he

23:31

was there going we will fight them

23:33

on the beaches that's

23:36

just an excuse to get that line out and

23:39

then it's it's it's um

23:42

it's that it well it's

23:44

not baffling it's like you say it's not real news

23:46

is it it's like the what does

23:48

the book cover well it covers uh it

23:52

it covers this plot uh oceans 11 or

23:55

you know in this kind of version oceans

23:57

cunts um there doesn't need to

23:59

be 10 or 11 there just needs to be one. It just

24:01

needs to be Boris. But other parts

24:03

of the book have him denying

24:05

eating cake again. This is what

24:07

we can expect from this exciting

24:09

tome, this hotly anticipated tome. Denying

24:12

eating cake as what he

24:14

described as the feeblest event in the history

24:16

of human festivity, which was his

24:19

56th birthday during lockdown. I saw no

24:21

cake. I ate no blooming cake. If this

24:23

was a party, it was the feeblest

24:25

event ever. I'd only just got over

24:27

COVID. I did not sing. I did not dance. So

24:30

those appear to be the criteria for a

24:32

party. Whoever the party is in honor of,

24:34

they must sing or dance. Otherwise it is

24:36

not a party. So how

24:40

many parties have you been to Andy that have not

24:42

been parties? I've never seen

24:44

you sing or dance. No,

24:46

I don't think. Yeah. That

24:48

means I've never been to a party, I think.

24:52

Yeah, I've never held a party. Yeah. I mean,

24:54

you were at my wedding reception. Maybe

24:56

you sang, maybe you danced. I

24:58

did neither of those things, Tiff. No, no. So

25:00

was it even a party, Andy? Definitely

25:03

not. Ash's 2005, Andy, I think

25:05

ended up in a late night

25:08

karaoke bar dancing with

25:10

15,000 men. I have

25:13

never in my almost 50 years on this

25:15

planet, I have never done karaoke. And I

25:17

consider that half a century

25:19

well spent. But

25:24

then I'm a miserable f***er. So you know,

25:26

you've got to balance that factor in as

25:28

well. We give Boris

25:30

Johnson a lot of criticism for, you know, failing

25:33

to be the Churchill he always dreamed of being. But

25:35

in many ways, he got halfway there, because

25:38

Churchill famously said, I have nothing to offer but

25:40

blood, toil, tears and sweat. And Boris Johnson has

25:42

gone as far as I have nothing to offer.

25:45

So it's a start. It's a start. It's

25:49

another piece of mopaganda. That's

25:52

what I call it when Boris spouts a bit of nonsense,

25:54

because he does it while messing up the hair. I

25:57

haven't read the book, but I just want to know,

26:00

think there's stuff in

26:02

there where Boris Johnson takes credit

26:04

for great moments of British history

26:06

where in some inexplicable

26:08

way he was present like

26:11

Normandy for example. Yeah

26:13

I would hope so. I hope he's

26:16

claiming that he was the genius

26:18

behind most of his and Bard Kingdom Brunel's

26:20

best works and probably

26:22

wrote half

26:24

of Shakespeare's well not all of Shakespeare's history

26:26

plays given they're absolutely

26:29

full of bullshit. That

26:31

would stack up I think. Battle

26:35

of Hastings? Yeah. Probably

26:37

he's great great great great great great

26:40

great. You probably came up with the

26:42

word ashes after his turn breakup because

26:44

the driver really needed a title. Bugle

26:50

crime section now and it's

26:53

been a while since we had a crime section in the audio

26:55

newspaper. Can

26:57

you remember if you've done a crime section before? We

26:59

just talked about Boris Johnson so this

27:08

is our first crime section for half a

27:11

minute here on the bugle. Very

27:14

exciting news this it's

27:16

been claimed that artificial intelligence

27:19

could solve cold

27:21

cases. A

27:23

chair of the National Police Chiefs Council claimed

27:26

that historic crimes could be

27:29

solved. This technology I mean I should before

27:31

before we do this I should emphasize

27:33

that no bugle co-host has been involved in any

27:36

historic crimes. Anuvab for example was not responsible for

27:38

a series of bank robberies in 1920s

27:40

Michigan. Tif

27:43

Stevenson did not assassinate

27:46

the king of Ruritania in

27:48

the 1840s and

27:50

none of our other co-hosts have done things like

27:52

that either. But apparently this AI

27:55

detective work can rifle through evidence

27:57

at such a rate that it can process

27:59

in just 30. hours, the

28:02

amount of evidence that would take a single human detective 81 years

28:04

to get through, which

28:08

I think means that if we stick with

28:10

human cops and each case takes 81 years,

28:12

no crimes would ever be solved before those

28:14

cops died, which might explain why things take

28:16

so long to get through the court. I

28:18

misunderstood that. But anyway, about 30 years to

28:20

do 81 years worth of work,

28:22

it's so high powered that it can

28:25

even fill in the necessary paperwork associated

28:27

with 81 years worth of

28:29

human police detection in just

28:32

412 years. The

28:34

breakthrough has raised hopes that even more

28:37

excitingly than writing the failures

28:39

of justice, this same technology

28:41

could produce up to 2,700 true

28:43

crime podcasts

28:46

per second, which could

28:48

make it the most significant

28:50

technological advance in

28:52

human history. Tiff,

28:55

I know that you're a huge

28:57

fan of AI taking over every

28:59

aspect of human life. This must

29:01

be particularly exciting.

29:04

It can simultaneously examine information from

29:06

multiple sources, including videos, social media,

29:09

emails and hard drives. And then

29:11

the chairman of the National Police

29:13

Chiefs Council, Gavin Stevens, even suggested

29:15

it could be used to crack

29:18

previously unsolved cases like Jack

29:20

the Ripper. Yes, it's

29:22

going to go on JTR's Facebook page

29:24

and trawl his posts. The

29:26

lethal the lethal apron

29:28

has checked into the 10 bells in

29:31

Whitechapel. What's on your mind

29:33

feeling stabby today? You know, Facebook memory

29:35

pops up and it says share this spree from

29:39

1890 with a couple of laughing emojis and one of

29:41

a scalpel. Like we don't

29:43

we don't need cold cases. We

29:46

don't need AI on cold cases. We have

29:48

internet detectives for that. We have obsessed middle

29:50

age women get out of our way. We're

29:52

busy doing that. This is technology coming for

29:54

our jobs once again. How am I going

29:57

to spend my afternoons if it cannot be

32:00

politics gets what, logically, it is headed

32:02

for, which is two

32:05

criminals up against each other. For

32:08

legal purposes, I should say that Eric

32:10

Adams is not yet a criminal. I tell you who you

32:12

need to leave it to investigate as to whether or not

32:14

that is true. Middle-aged women on the

32:16

internet, thank you. So

32:19

he's being investigated for getting

32:21

thousands of dollars worth of gifts

32:23

from Turkish investors, right? And I'm

32:26

sure you guys have talked about this on the bugle. Recently,

32:28

your prime minister got thousands of

32:30

pounds of clothes as presence.

32:33

Now, just the Indian perspective here. Where

32:36

is the crime here exactly? In

32:41

our politics, we would just refer to this as

32:43

Tuesday. Give

32:46

me an example of a local Mumbai politician,

32:48

a local Mumbai politician, a city

32:51

MLA. He got convicted

32:53

for a bribe. Basically,

32:55

he spent the money building a high-rise

32:57

building. He lives in it. The guy

32:59

that gave him the bribe lives on

33:02

the floor below, and the guy prosecuting

33:04

them lives above. So everybody

33:07

happy. I

33:09

think there's still ways to think. Now- Did

33:11

they call that a corruption sandwich? Here's

33:17

the weird thing. There's a lot of talk about

33:19

the Indian prime minister being not corrupt. Famously,

33:22

there are loads of articles about how he's cleaning

33:24

up the system. That's why there's

33:26

a strong argument going around India

33:28

that the prime minister Modi may be foreign,

33:31

because not taking bribes is not in our

33:33

DNA. Till an

33:35

editorial recently said that maybe someone's

33:37

giving him a bribe to not

33:39

take a bribe. And

33:49

finally, on this week's bugle, our

33:51

tech and entertainment section.

33:53

Well, technology

33:55

continues to drive humanity

33:58

simultaneously forwards, backwards, sideways

34:01

and wildly often on track all at

34:03

the same time. Tif,

34:07

there's been a suggestion that tech

34:10

could provide a solution to government

34:13

inefficiency. The CEO

34:15

of JPMorgan Chase

34:17

has backed Elon

34:20

Musk's proposal to create a

34:22

Department of Government efficiency. I

34:26

mean, politics prides itself on

34:28

being as inefficient and counterproductive as possible.

34:30

Is this really something that's going to

34:33

catch the imagination of our legislators?

34:37

Well Musk is already expecting Trump to

34:39

win and he

34:41

floated the idea that

34:44

he would work in

34:47

Donald Trump's government as part of a new

34:49

commission if the election were

34:51

to go his way in November. But the efficiency

34:53

department, I can already see it as a sitcom.

34:56

Elon playing a David Brent-esque character

34:58

who embarrasses everyone with his

35:00

shocking dancing first day on the job. The

35:03

first episode revolves around a meeting to see

35:05

how the department can be more efficient and

35:07

it takes six hours. And

35:09

then Jamie Dimon puts some poor civil servant

35:11

stapler in jelly and someone starts a game

35:13

of football, sorry soccer, in the printing room

35:15

and it all kicks off. I'm

35:18

excited, I might pitch it to

35:21

maybe, you know, or maybe even Armando

35:23

Iannucci will get a cheap version

35:25

of this. I don't see that happening. We

35:28

can see him if we can get him on the bugle to talk about it. If

35:31

you're listening Armando, to come on

35:33

any time. In other tech

35:36

news, it's turned that misinformation

35:38

on TikTok, Tiff, has been

35:41

turning women away from using the

35:43

contraceptive pill. I've

35:45

long thought that the internet is

35:48

essentially replacing organised religion. It essentially

35:50

fulfils the same role as God,

35:52

that it knows everything about every

35:55

aspect of your life and

35:57

it's massively judgemental towards women. uncanny

36:00

resemblance and clearly this is

36:03

another manifestation of that,

36:05

the internet basically taken over the role

36:07

that was traditionally performed by

36:10

the world's great religions. Well yeah, I think

36:12

we need a morning after pill for the

36:14

internet itself, one that

36:17

gets rid of the seed of every bad idea that's

36:19

been planted in your brain. I think

36:21

going outside and going for a walk

36:23

is probably the real life version of

36:25

that. But yeah, trending on TikTok at

36:27

the moment, pull out is trending on

36:29

TikTok, the rhythm method, the crossing your

36:31

fingers method or my personal method, the

36:33

algorithm method. That's where you spend

36:36

so long trolling the internet, both parties lose

36:38

interest in having sex. It's a

36:40

very effective contraception.

36:43

I found the lifelong obsession with cricket statistics

36:45

works pretty well as well actually. Stop me

36:48

till I'm soft baby. Family

36:56

show. Women's

37:01

health leaders are concerned that nonsense

37:03

about hormonal contraception posted on TikTok

37:06

and Instagram is driving a

37:08

dramatic rise in unplanned pregnancies and abortions.

37:11

So there's videos out there with hundreds of

37:13

thousands of views from

37:15

various influencers claiming that the pill

37:17

is this generation cigarettes. But

37:20

I thought this generation cigarettes was vapes. But

37:23

it's basically

37:26

wellness influencers promoting this who are paid

37:28

to promote alternative methods. You know the

37:30

type that I'm talking about. If you've

37:32

seen them on social media, they want

37:34

to tell you about their youth and

37:36

health, Alexia, and somewhere along the

37:38

line, it contains their own urine. And

37:40

you can buy it. And they'll

37:42

say things like, I don't eat food, I eat

37:44

my feelings. I literally write the emotion I'm feeling

37:46

on a piece of paper and eat it. And

37:48

you can make that more delicious by adding sriracha.

37:50

Please hit subscribe next week. I'll be telling you

37:53

about bumhole bathing. That's where you go into your

37:55

garden, offer your ring piece to the sun. And

37:57

that will unblock any negative emotions you may have

37:59

around. rampant exhibitionism. These

38:03

are the kind of people filling up the ears

38:05

of impressionable young women

38:08

on TikTok. And I sort of understand

38:11

where it comes from because, you know,

38:13

in the 70s, feminism was concerned about

38:15

the fact that male doctors were

38:18

prescribing all this stuff for women, but

38:20

not listening to women's needs or understanding

38:22

women's body and everything

38:24

medically based, all

38:27

medical based research is based on men

38:29

as the default. So you

38:31

know, there should be a healthy amount of

38:33

skepticism around stuff that's

38:35

historically gone before, but there has to be a

38:37

middle ground between, between that and

38:39

this kind of like, yeah, sure, just

38:42

pull out. Actually, if you do it

38:44

standing up, you can't, you know, you're going back to

38:46

like teenage. If you

38:48

do it standing up, you're not going to get pregnant.

38:50

I mean, what's, where's it going to

38:52

end? Well, I mean, I

38:54

think if you do it whilst

38:57

thinking about 1980s Wimbledon finals,

38:59

that's, you probably won't get pregnant

39:01

there either. I mean, spread that, spread

39:03

that rumor. Particularly

39:06

Conor's Mac in room. I shouldn't be

39:08

using TikTok for finding kidney

39:11

stone treatments by watching some of

39:13

these videos. So, TikTok,

39:17

MD is like doogie Howser MD is

39:19

and it's literally kids. It's

39:22

like the same. It's just children telling

39:24

other children what to, I saw one

39:27

the other day that was about dry

39:29

shampoo and this woman going, I recommend

39:31

this dry shampoo over this one. And

39:33

like, because there's toxic chemicals in, in,

39:35

in this dry shampoo, because there's the

39:38

things you don't want a butane and propane.

39:40

I'm like the things that

39:42

make aerosols work. I mean,

39:45

those are literally, so you

39:47

can't recommend another aerosol. Like

39:50

aren't they the propellants? Am I missing something? I

39:52

thought those were the things that made an aerosol

39:55

be an aerosol. With my hair care

39:58

regime, it's neat butane and neat propane. four

40:00

times a day. So

40:03

you can go to a barbershop or a petrol dump. Annabell,

40:09

let's finish with some entertainment news from

40:12

India. Well, the latest sort of ticket

40:14

price controversy, we had the Oasis reunion

40:17

tickets over here, people complaining about how

40:19

much they were costing in the hotels

40:22

and things putting their prices up around it. Coldplay

40:26

have been causing a bit of

40:28

a rumpus in India with the secondary market

40:30

for their tickets for their shows next year.

40:33

Coldplay, big band from your country,

40:35

Andy, very big, I think, in

40:37

the 1900s and subsequently. New

40:40

in India, big

40:42

fan base. But basically,

40:45

we have about 1% of this

40:47

country listens to English music. And

40:51

so about, you know, say maybe a few

40:53

hundred thousand people were expected to buy tickets.

40:56

They put 180,000 tickets on sale on a

40:58

website called Book My Show, which is sort

41:01

of India's ticket master. And 42

41:04

million people tried to buy tickets.

41:08

What I know, this is my cadad. Basically,

41:11

now the government's got involved in

41:13

they're saying that essentially, what

41:16

Book My Show tried to do is make it

41:18

democratic. And India being the

41:20

technology capital of the world, a bunch

41:22

of bots and server farms got

41:24

involved, bought all those tickets and put

41:27

it on reselling platforms like Firecogo. And

41:29

the tickets were being resold for 9000 pounds.

41:34

Now, there is a

41:37

fan base for Coldplay in India, I'm sure. I

41:40

don't know how many Gen Z Indian

41:42

kids are running out to buy 9000 pound

41:45

tickets for Coldplay. So

41:47

the debate going on in India was,

41:50

you know, are there these

41:52

many Coldplay fans in India? Because

41:55

the Mumbai queue, there's a queue. So you signed

41:57

up to buy tickets. It was all at one

41:59

time,